Shop – The Roast Report https://theroast.report Your Friends, Our Punchlines Tue, 23 Jun 2026 00:41:11 +0000 en-US hourly 1 https://wordpress.org/?v=7.0.2 https://theroast.report/wp-content/uploads/2024/12/cropped-Untitled-design-3-32x32.png Shop – The Roast Report https://theroast.report 32 32 The Premium Roast https://theroast.report/product/the-premium-roast-full-roast-full-laughs/ Tue, 03 Dec 2024 01:48:10 +0000 http://theroast.report/?post_type=product&p=1979 The full roast. The full laughs.

The Premium Roast isn’t just a story — it’s a masterpiece. We take everything that makes your person gloriously ridiculous and turn it into a detailed, laugh-out-loud fake news article (600–800 words) written like the front page of a real paper.

What makes it Premium:

  • A longer, richer personalized news story (600–800 words)
  • A human-reviewed draft you can tweak before it’s finalized — nail the perfect tone
  • Print-ready PDF to frame, gift, or read aloud
  • ~48-hour turnaround (Rush available)

Perfect for: milestone birthdays, retirements, the best-man speech you can’t write, or anyone who deserves the full front-page treatment.

Just need a quick laugh? The Basic Roast is $19. Roasting a whole crew? Grab the Trilogy for three stories.

The Roast Report publishes personalized, fictional satire created for entertainment. Stories are made up and are not statements of fact. Want a roast taken down? Contact us and we’ll remove it right away.

]]> The Roast Trilogy: 3 Premium Stories, Triple the Laughs https://theroast.report/product/the-roast-trilogy-3-premium-stories-triple-the-laughs/ Tue, 03 Dec 2024 01:47:01 +0000 http://theroast.report/?post_type=product&p=1981 Three roasts. Triple the laughs.

The Roast Trilogy gives you three premium, personalized fake news stories — perfect for roasting a group of friends, a family, a whole department, or one person who has truly earned three headlines.

Perfect for: bachelor/bachelorette parties, friend-group gift exchanges, office send-offs, and milestone birthdays.

  • 3 personalized fake news articles (600–800 words each)
  • A human-reviewed draft so you can fine-tune the tone
  • Print-ready PDFs — read them aloud for maximum damage
  • Best value per roast

Just need one? The Basic Roast starts at $19. Want the full single-story treatment? Try the Premium Roast.

The Roast Report publishes personalized, fictional satire created for entertainment. Stories are made up and are not statements of fact. Want a roast taken down? Contact us and we’ll remove it right away.

]]> The Basic Roast: Quick, Simple, Hilarious https://theroast.report/product/the-basic-roast-quick-simple-hilarious/ Tue, 03 Dec 2024 01:33:28 +0000 http://theroast.report/?post_type=product&p=1978 The funniest $19 you’ll spend this year.

The Basic Roast turns someone you love into hilarious front-page news. Tell us about them — their quirks, their catchphrases, that story they always tell — and we’ll write a quick, quotable fake news story that roasts them by name. Delivered as a polished, print-ready PDF in about 48 hours.

Perfect for: Secret Santa, birthdays, white elephant, a group-chat ambush, or just because.

  • 1 personalized fake news article
  • Print-ready PDF — frame it, gift it, or read it aloud
  • ~48-hour turnaround (Rush available)
  • 100% fictional, 0% hard feelings

Want a longer story with a draft you can tweak? Upgrade to the Premium Roast. Roasting a whole crew? Grab the Trilogy.

The Roast Report publishes personalized, fictional satire created for entertainment. Stories are made up and are not statements of fact. Want a roast taken down? Contact us and we’ll remove it right away.

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