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Local Man Claims Box Bar Is His ‘Real Office,’ Submits Beer Tab as Work Expense

St. Thomas, USVI—In what coworkers are calling a “bold strategy,” David Cole, a quiet yet eccentric local, made waves in his workplace this week after submitting his Box Bar beer tab as a professional expense, claiming the spot is his “primary networking hub.”

Known for his steadfast commitment to Miller Lite, David can be found at Yacht Haven’s Box Bar almost every evening, sipping what he considers the “nectar of the gods.” According to witnesses, his argument for the expense report was as smooth as the first sip of a cold Lite.

“I don’t go to the office to make connections. I go to Box Bar,” David allegedly wrote in his justification. “The deals I seal here might not be on paper, but they’re sealed in Lite.”

A Case of Creative Accounting

The expense report, submitted last week, totaled several months of beer consumption, amounting to what one coworker described as “a shocking amount of Miller Lite.” When HR questioned why the receipts were exclusively from Box Bar, David calmly replied, “That’s where the magic happens.”

Local bartender Paul at Box Bar corroborated David’s claims, saying, “Yeah, he’s here every day. Doesn’t talk much, but he drinks like a pro. If he’s closing deals, I haven’t seen it, but I’ll back him up if it keeps him coming back.”

Beer Diplomacy

While his colleagues initially dismissed the move as a joke, they’re starting to see the genius in David’s strategy. “Honestly, Box Bar is a great place to meet people,” said one coworker. “You’ve got yachties, tourists, locals—you never know who you’ll run into. Maybe David’s on to something.”

Even Box Bar regulars have noticed David’s low-key networking style. “He just sits there with his Miller Lite, quietly observing,” said one patron. “It’s like he’s absorbing information through osmosis—or maybe just the beer.”

HR’s Response

Though HR hasn’t officially approved the expense yet, sources close to the situation say David’s argument has left the team scratching their heads. “The thing is, he’s technically not wrong,” said an anonymous HR rep. “If he’s building relationships and furthering his career over beers, who are we to judge? Honestly, it’s kind of inspiring.”

A Lite Hustle

When asked if he’d change his approach if the expense was denied, David shrugged and took a sip of his beer. “Work-life balance is a myth,” he said. “For me, work is life—and life is Lite.”

As of now, David remains a loyal patron of Box Bar, regardless of whether his expense report goes through. “I don’t do it for the money,” he said. “I do it for the beer.”

And with that, he raised a Miller Lite to toast what he calls his “office with a view.”

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Local Degenerate Loses Boat Keys in Dinghy, Spends Entire Night Drinking While Floating in Circles

St. John, USVI—In what locals are calling a “classic TP move,” Louisiana native and full-time troublemaker Taylor Peterson (better known as “TP”) found himself stranded in his dinghy last night after losing his boat keys. Instead of attempting to fix the situation, TP cracked open a cooler full of beer and declared it a “floating happy hour.”

Witnesses report that TP was last seen confidently untying a dinghy from the dock at Bernie’s after a marathon beer-chugging session. Unfortunately, the keys he needed to start the motor slipped from his hands and into the sea within minutes of departure. “At first, I thought he’d try to fish them out,” said one bystander. “But instead, he just shrugged and said, ‘Well, guess I’m drinking here now.’”

The Floating Happy Hour

For the next five hours, TP let the tide carry him aimlessly around Cruz Bay, periodically yelling at passing boats to toss him another beer. According to onlookers, his dinghy made several complete circles near the National Park Dock while TP played country music from a waterproof speaker and announced, “This is the best lazy river I’ve ever been on!”

Local bartender Damia, who witnessed the spectacle, said, “Only TP could turn being stranded into a party. People on yachts were cheering him on like he was in a parade.”

A Miraculous Return to Shore

By sunrise, TP’s beer cooler was empty, and so was his memory of how he made it back to land. “The tide brought me home, man,” he explained while polishing off a breakfast beer. “Or maybe it was the beer guiding me. Either way, it worked.”

When asked if he’d learned a lesson from the ordeal, TP replied, “Yeah—always bring a backup cooler.”

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Man Attempts to Fix USVI Power Grid with Duct Tape and Jameson, Accidentally Creates Renewable Energy Source

St. Thomas, USVI—After yet another island-wide blackout left St. Thomas residents in the dark and their drinks unchilled, local legend and electrical engineer Alexander Cameron decided to take matters into his own hands. Armed with duct tape, salvaged solar panels, and fueled by a heroic number of Jameson and tequila shots, Alexander inadvertently created a groundbreaking renewable energy source that locals are now calling “The Cameron Current.”

The chaos began at Bernie’s, Alexander’s favorite haunt on St. Thomas, where he had been enjoying an impressive series of Jameson shots during happy hour. Witnesses report that midway through the blackout, Alexander slammed his glass on the bar and announced, “Hold my drink. I’ve got this!” before disappearing into the night with a flashlight, a roll of duct tape, and what appeared to be a leftover blender motor.

DIY Power Revolution

Using an old car battery, a set of discarded solar panels, and what he described as “the perfect tequila-to-circuit ratio,” Alexander rigged a system that restored power to Bernie’s within two hours. The setup not only brought the lights back on but also powered the new neon sign.

“I wasn’t trying to make history,” Alexander said while nursing his morning Jameson. “I just wanted my rum punch blender to work again.”

His invention, cobbled together in the back alley behind Bernie’s, harnesses the power of tequila vapors and ethanol fumes to generate electricity. “Turns out, booze is more than just fuel for the soul—it’s also fuel for the grid,” he joked.

Bernie’s Reaction

The staff at Bernie’s were quick to embrace the Cameron Current, though they admit it has quirks. “Every time Alex takes another shot, the lights flicker like we’re in a nightclub,” said Megan, one of the star bartenders. “But hey, it’s better than sitting in the dark.”

Locals have already begun to treat the invention as an attraction, with tourists stopping by to see “the booze-powered miracle.” One visitor described it as “part science, part sorcery, and 100% Caribbean.”

A Legend Across Islands

Word of Alexander’s invention traveled quickly, even reaching Woody’s on nearby St. John, another bar where he’s known to stir up trouble. “Typical Zan,” said a bartender at Woody’s. “He probably fixed St. Thomas just so he could party harder when he makes it back to St. John.”

Despite the growing buzz, Alexander insists he’s not interested in fame. “If the nerds want to study my work, fine, but they better bring tequila” he said, motioning for another round of shots.

What’s Next for Alexander?

When asked about his future plans, Cameron was noncommittal. “Maybe I’ll fix the ferry schedule. Or build a machine that keeps my beer cold underwater. Who knows? The possibilities are endless when you’ve got duct tape and rum.”

As of now, the Cameron Current continues to power Bernie’s and inspire locals. And while Alexander has no plans to patent his invention, he does have one rule for its continued use: “As long as the Jameson keeps flowing, so will the electricity.”