The Basic Roast: Quick, Simple, Hilarious

Original price was: $25.Current price is: $19.

What’s Included?
The Basic Roast is for when you want to keep things simple but hilarious. This quick and quirky fake news story will capture your friend’s quirks and questionable life choices in ~300 words of comedic gold. It’s the gift that says, “I see you, I love you, and I’m going to roast you anyway.”

Short & Funny: Around 300 words, packed with humor.
Quick Delivery: Delivered via website post and email within 48 hours.
No Revisions: What you get is what you get—because comedy doesn’t apologize.

Perfect For

A last-minute laugh for a birthday, gag gift, or party surprise.
Roasting a friend who thinks they’re unroastable.
Anyone who’s made one too many bad decisions.

Why Choose Us?

We’re the Roast Pros: With years of experience crafting witty humor, we know how to make ‘em laugh (and maybe cringe a little).
Fast and Reliable: Need it ASAP? Your Roast Report will arrive in 48 hours or less.
100% Secure: Our checkout process is fully encrypted, and your secrets are safe with us—no one else will know about their karaoke fail.
Satisfaction Guaranteed: Not happy with the roast? We’ll revise it until you’re laughing.

FAQ

What is The Roast Report?

The Roast Report is a personalized, fictional news story service designed to entertain and amuse. We take the details you provide about someone—such as their quirks, hobbies, or funny anecdotes—and craft a humorous “news article” that feels straight out of a satirical newspaper.

How does it work?

It’s simple! You provide us with some details about the person you want roasted, such as their name, personality traits, and funny habits. Our team writes a hilarious, lighthearted news article based on the information you’ve shared.

Is the roast mean-spirited?

Not at all! Our roasts are designed to be playful and good-natured. The goal is to poke fun in a way that makes everyone laugh without causing offense. Think of it as a comedic toast, but in written form.

What kind of information should I provide?

We recommend sharing details like:

Name and location of the person.
Their personality traits (e.g., competitive, loves cats, a terrible cook).
Any funny anecdotes, quirks, or hobbies they have.
Preferences, such as their favorite activities or places.

The more you share, the more personalized (and funny!) the roast will be.

Can I review the story before it’s finalized?

On our premium roast we’ll send you a draft for review to ensure it captures the right tone. You can suggest tweaks or adjustments if needed before the final delivery.

How long will it take to get my Roast Report?

Our standard turnaround time is within 48 hours. If you need it sooner, we offer a “Rush Report” option for an additional fee.

What if I’m not happy with the roast?

We want you to love your Roast Report. If it doesn’t meet your expectations, we offer one round of revisions to make sure it’s perfect.

What format will the story be in?

You’ll receive your Roast Report as a polished, professionally formatted digital file (PDF) that’s easy to print, share, or frame. Additionally, unless you opt out, your Roast Report may be featured on our website as part of our showcase of hilarious stories (with identifying details kept anonymous if requested)

Customer Reviews

⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐ "I ordered a Roast Report for my sister’s birthday, and she hasn’t stopped laughing since. The article nailed her coffee addiction, her terrible karaoke skills, and even her habit of losing her car keys daily. It was scarily accurate and ridiculously funny. She immediately shared it with all her friends—and now they all want one too!

Jenna T., Austin, TX

"I was skeptical at first, but wow, they absolutely nailed it! The Roast Report turned my friend Greg’s obsession with fantasy football into a full-blown headline-worthy event. The fake quotes and public ‘reactions’ were so over the top that we were crying with laughter. I’m already planning to get one for my dad’s retirement party."

— Mike R.

"I got one of these for my coworker who’s leaving for a new job, and it was the talk of the office! The Roast Report captured her love of office snacks and her slightly terrifying motivational speeches perfectly. She said it’s going straight on her fridge. Hands down, the funniest way to celebrate someone you care about."

Sarah L., New York, NY