The Premium Roast

The Premium Roast

Original price was: $35.Current price is: $29.

The full roast. The full laughs.

The Premium Roast isn’t just a story — it’s a masterpiece. We take everything that makes your person gloriously ridiculous and turn it into a detailed, laugh-out-loud fake news article (600–800 words) written like the front page of a real paper.

What makes it Premium:

  • A longer, richer personalized news story (600–800 words)
  • A human-reviewed draft you can tweak before it’s finalized — nail the perfect tone
  • Print-ready PDF to frame, gift, or read aloud
  • ~48-hour turnaround (Rush available)

Perfect for: milestone birthdays, retirements, the best-man speech you can’t write, or anyone who deserves the full front-page treatment.

Just need a quick laugh? The Basic Roast is $19. Roasting a whole crew? Grab the Trilogy for three stories.

The Roast Report publishes personalized, fictional satire created for entertainment. Stories are made up and are not statements of fact. Want a roast taken down? Contact us and we’ll remove it right away.

FAQ

The Roast Report is a personalized, fictional news story service designed to entertain and amuse. We take the details you provide about someone—such as their quirks, hobbies, or funny anecdotes—and craft a humorous “news article” that feels straight out of a satirical newspaper.

It’s simple! You provide us with some details about the person you want roasted, such as their name, personality traits, and funny habits. Our team writes a hilarious, lighthearted news article based on the information you’ve shared.

Not at all! Our roasts are designed to be playful and good-natured. The goal is to poke fun in a way that makes everyone laugh without causing offense. Think of it as a comedic toast, but in written form.

We recommend sharing details like:

  • Name and location of the person.
  • Their personality traits (e.g., competitive, loves cats, a terrible cook).
  • Any funny anecdotes, quirks, or hobbies they have.
  • Preferences, such as their favorite activities or places.

The more you share, the more personalized (and funny!) the roast will be.

On our premium roast we’ll send you a draft for review to ensure it captures the right tone. You can suggest tweaks or adjustments if needed before the final delivery.

Our standard turnaround time is within 48 hours. If you need it sooner, we offer a “Rush Report” option for an additional fee.

We want you to love your Roast Report. If it doesn’t meet your expectations, we offer one round of revisions to make sure it’s perfect.

You’ll receive your Roast Report as a polished, professionally formatted digital file (PDF) that’s easy to print, share, or frame. Additionally, unless you opt out, your Roast Report may be featured on our website as part of our showcase of hilarious stories (with identifying details kept anonymous if requested)

Customer Reviews

⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐ "I ordered a Roast Report for my sister’s birthday, and she hasn’t stopped laughing since. The article nailed her coffee addiction, her terrible karaoke skills, and even her habit of losing her car keys daily. It was scarily accurate and ridiculously funny. She immediately shared it with all her friends—and now they all want one too!
Jenna T., Austin, TX
"I was skeptical at first, but wow, they absolutely nailed it! The Roast Report turned my friend Greg’s obsession with fantasy football into a full-blown headline-worthy event. The fake quotes and public ‘reactions’ were so over the top that we were crying with laughter. I’m already planning to get one for my dad’s retirement party."
— Mike R.
"I got one of these for my coworker who’s leaving for a new job, and it was the talk of the office! The Roast Report captured her love of office snacks and her slightly terrifying motivational speeches perfectly. She said it’s going straight on her fridge. Hands down, the funniest way to celebrate someone you care about."
Sarah L., New York, NY