It’s funny how life works. Whether you’re on a beach in the Virgin Islands or grabbing tacos in Playa del Carmen, one thing always holds true: If you’re surrounded by the right people, the roasts are inevitable.

From Jerry’s questionable gambling “strategies” (which, let’s be honest, are more hope than skill) to Joe’s borderline-romantic relationship with Carmex, my circles of friends have always found something—or someone—to roast. Life’s quirks just seem funnier when you’ve got friends ready to pounce on every opportunity to turn them into running jokes.

In the VI, the laughs are fueled by sun, tequila, and TP’s ability to just… be TP. His antics have defied explanation for years, but one thing’s certain: You can’t make this stuff up.

And then there’s Zan, whose legendary drunken plans to “fix” things are somehow both ambitious and catastrophic—earning him a spot in roast history. Meanwhile, David is single-handedly keeping Miller Lite in business while claiming a barstool at Box Bar like it’s a throne.

These stories, quirks, and moments of hilarity were the glue that held everything together, no matter where I was. But somewhere along the way, life got a little too serious. Work, responsibilities, and endless notifications started taking over, leaving less time for the kind of laughter that makes your stomach hurt.

That’s when I realized: These moments shouldn’t just disappear into the haze of memory (or the haze of too many beers). They deserved to be preserved, shared, and celebrated—and what better way to do that than to turn them into something that looks so real, people might actually believe it?

And so, The Roast Report was born.

The idea was simple: Create personalized “news” stories that look legit but are loaded with humor and absurdity. Whether it’s roasting your best friend’s strange obsessions, your coworker’s chaotic hobbies, or your cousin’s latest misadventure, The Roast Report turns life’s quirks into laugh-out-loud headlines.

It’s a way to bridge the gap between my worlds—the sunny chaos of the VI, the laid-back vibes of Playa, and all the hilarity in between. No matter where you are or who you’re with, laughter has a way of bringing people together.

So here we are: fueled by tequila, tacos, Miller Lite, and the sheer ridiculousness of life. The Roast Report isn’t just about roasting your friends—it’s about finding the humor in everything, keeping the flames of fun alive, and making sure no one ever takes themselves too seriously.

Here’s to the laughs, the roasts, and the memories we’re all going to question later. Welcome to The Roast Report, where the flames never go out, and the laughs just keep coming.